You know those pictures you keep in your mind? They are the snapshots through life that for one reason or another imprinted in your brain and occasionally pop back up to distract you, entertain you or remind you of a moment, a life episode.
The picture is solidified in my mind. All six of us are sitting in the living room with late afternoon sunlight streaming through the window. Friday evenings are relaxing and fun, but this one has a tinge of anxiety and Jason and I lock eyes just verifying we are ready to do this now. I have military orders in hand, orders that I’ve expected for the past 60 days, but that are now here and real. It is time to break the news to the kids.
Our kids aren’t “military kids.” We leave in a small town Ohio, not near a military base and I left active duty six years ago. They see me in uniform occasionally and they know that each year I must leave for an extended one or two weeks for the Navy. Before today if you asked them about the Navy’s impact in our lives, they’d probably tell you about my semi-annual struggle to make sure I “make weight” and pass the physical fitness test I’m required to pass to remain in the Navy Reserve.
Now I’m sitting in “Daddy’s Chair” and Jason is sitting across the living room from me on the sofa next to Austin and Esther, our two youngest. Sarah is sitting in the rocking chair and Elliot is across the room from her on the other end of the sofa.
“So guys, Daddy and I need to tell you something that is going to be very hard.”
“Have you heard of Afghanistan? It is a country on the other side of the world where there is a war. The Navy is going to send me there on a deployment.”
Elliot: “How long are you going to be gone?”
“Probably a year sweetie.”
Sarah and Elliot swivel their heads toward each other and immediately lock eyes. They know exactly how serious this is. I can’t tell if Austin or Esther understand what I’m saying. Austin is smiling and I know that he smiles when he is nervous or scared. He gets it.
Elliot: “So you are going to be in a war. Will there be guns?”
“Yes sweetie there will be guns and I’ll have to carry one.”
Elliot (shaking his head now): “Mommy, I don’t like this. I don’t like you being where there are guns.”
“I know Elliot, but I’m going to do everything I can to stay as safe as I can.”
Everyone else is silent.
Elliot: “Mommy, just promise me this. Promise me that if someone is shooting you will lay flat on the ground. And Mommy, what ever you do just promise me you won’t lift up your head.”
In my mind I’m processing what he is saying and thinking to myself what is this world where my 7-yr-old has been taught what to do if there is an active shooter in the vicinity. Everyone else remains quiet. Jason reassures the kids that they’ll be OK. Grandma and Papi will be helping and they have great plans for the summer. The kids immediately want to know if I’ll be home for their birthdays, and when they realize I’ll miss some want to begin planning a BIG BIRTHDAY party before I leave to celebrate everyone’s birthdays.
Our family meeting concludes and we all start to get up. From the rocking chair, Sarah who has been stoic starts to cry, and she cries and cries – she cried the tears I’m holding back.
*This post was originally written on October 13, 2017
