Family First

If you know me, you know I LOVE being a mother. In fact, when I was working at the Pentagon and only had two children, they were conducting the background interviews for my clearances. Following a day of interviews as I walked the man to the exit door he turned to me and said, “You really love being a mom, don’t you?”

I chose to leave active duty from that Pentagon assignment. Almost nine-months pregnant with our third child, I had so far avoided deploying as a mother and told myself there is no way I could leave my children for months on end.

I kept repeating the mantra “family first,” and took a bold step into the civilian world.

Jason has always been my support system and has sacrificed more than I ever have over the past 14 years. He left his career and has spent the decade following me as the Navy moved us from one location to the next. On multiple occasions he left employers that he enjoyed.

My last deployment happened about three months after we were married. I deployed for a six-month period as part of an Expeditionary Strike Group and served on the USS Nassau (LHA-4). It was challenging, and we’d speak to each other by phone, email and occasional letters and care packages.

Jason told me when I returned that having been on both sides of it – he could absolutely confirm that being the spouse left at home was much harder. You don’t leave the environment, but rather your loved one does and every day there are reminders that your wife or husband is away.

There is also the “not knowing.” I have a fairly solid idea of what a day in the life of my family is like, but they can’t imagine what it looks like for me, or even if I’m safe.

When I chose to leave active duty, I hadn’t planned on staying in the Navy Reserve. I’d always viewed it as one foot in and one foot out and that wasn’t me. But, as I was headed out the door they offered me a deal that was too good to pass up.

Pregnant with our third child, they offered my 6 months of free health insurance. This would cover the pregnancy and the period before my employer’s coverage would kick in AND there was no obligation – I could drop at any time.

After our son Austin* was born with Cystic Fibrosis, the health insurance provided through my Navy Reserve status became critical. I was now a career Navy Reservist.

So, when it came time for me to fulfill my deployment requirement for the Navy after years of staying on the sideline pregnant (four children means a lot of undeployable pregnancy time), it really wasn’t an option.

So how do I justify leaving my children for months? What happened to “family first?”

Lucky for me just before I got the call regarding this deployment, I had just finished Sheryl Sandberg’s book “Option B.”

She speaks a great deal about the importance of resiliency. For a few months I repeated over and over to myself “resiliency is good for kids.” We as a society are very protecting of our children from their physical health to their emotional well-being. There are enough arguments out there right now on how much is too much when it comes to coddling, helicoptering, protecting, rescuing – you name it.

So, my children are experiencing resiliency this year. Our whole family is. Sometimes life isn’t easy – I can sure attest to that fact for the families living here in Kabul. Resiliency is a critical thing for me as a parent to help my children understand.

There is no easy way to learn resiliency.

My first few days away from my children it was almost as if my arms were hurting with the lack of being able to hug them.  Even now writing this I can feel it flooding through my arms – this desperate pain that comes with the inability to hug those you love so much.

But I miss my husband 100 times over that.  

We joked about this being my sabbatical. My time away from laundry and dishes for 4 kids –  visions of reading books and finally watching “Game of Thornes.” It is an odd thing to be thousands of miles away from your family on Mother’s Day. I think what I noticed most was the strength in mothers – regardless of who you are or where you are.

From a National Geographic Facebook postthat displayed historic photos of mothers to a video compilation of military mothers, to the photos shared by numerous friends with their moms, to my mother with my children Facetiming yesterday – it was an overwhelming message of strength.

My aunt came up with an idea that the kids should each get a geode rock and they would keep their half of the rock next to their bed and I would have the other half next to me. I opened the gift yesterday while I Facetimed with them, and they each took turns holding up their rocks to the camera, so we could put them together.

They are a beautiful representation of our family. The rock, a symbol of strength – unbreakable. And it is cut in half to display the absolute beauty of a geode on the inside – the beauty of the love of a family that we carry inside.