There have been a few times in my life where it feels like I’m standing on a precipice. I can’t
turnaround and go back, but I’m uncertain what’s ahead of me.
It’s an odd and pretty uncomfortable feeling. I remember when our team landed in Qatar at the beginning of this journey. I found myself caught off guard by how significantly the change affected me mentally. It was overwhelming, but in a way, I almost can’t describe.
Now as I come closer and closer to the moment I’ll begin my journey home, it is odd how I find myself in what I can only describe as an identity crisis.
What I remember from the homecomings on my previous three deployments is pure joy and elation. The whole crew on each ship counted down the number of days left and the night before we pulled into port it felt like Christmas Eve. I don’t remember this uncertainty.
Jason picked up on it this week and sends me words of encouragement. But in my typical need for self-awareness, I can’t stop pursuing what it is that feels like sandpaper rubbing the wrong direction.
I realized, first, it’s already a challenging environment here. We are in the midst of a change of command at the top level. The commander of this mission, Gen. John Nicholson, is turning over with a new commander, Gen. Austin Miller.
Moment by moment there is a lot of uncertainty and change here. It’s funny how something like this massive change can really showcase how much people rely on routine and predictability.
Then I wonder how this deployment has changed me. I wasn’t on active duty when I left for Afghanistan. I’m a reservist with a civilian life and job that I’d become comfortably accustomed to. I remember asking God to stretch me, to immerse me in an environment that would remind me of the earthly comforts we Americans have.
Well, I’ve been immersed. In that, plus some.
We have this huge share drive of hundreds of movies and I’ve taken lately to watching the ones from 1998 and ’99. As I watch them, I think about the people in them and the story lines. They are living in a pre-September 11thworld. It is a really weird thing to think about on the ground in Afghanistan 20 years later.
I have trouble finishing books and movies right now. I start them and then don’t finish them. I can’t figure out why.
I wonder what will be important to me when I get home. What will and what won’t feel right. I know that my family will also be different having gone through this experience. What will be important to my husband? How will he have changed? What will my kids be like? How will they respond to me when I see them again for the first time? How tall will they be?
My three-year-old speaks to me on the phone like a child now, not the toddler I left behind.
How will my parents be different? How will the company I work for have changed, and my colleagues?
You don’t spend over half-a-year away from everything you knew and think that it won’t have changed. So, then the question is, how will I handle the change when I arrive back home?
And that brings us back to the precipice. I don’t have any idea.
