Lately, I’ve found myself invited to speak on the topic of reintegration following a military mobilization. I’ve come to a place of healing after the past five months where I can now speak to the immense challenges that returning warriors face. Even just a month ago, I would’ve been too overwhelmed to thoughtfully and accurately describe to others what that transition is like.
For my friends on active duty, I remain eternally amazed about how much I underestimated reservists while serving on active duty, and how little I empathized. Same goes for homecoming. I went into this deployment believing I knew what to expect and dreaming of that “Christmas Eve” feeling you get the night before your ship pulls back into port after a long and arduous deployment. You’re greeted with a hero’s welcome and a solid couple of weeks of leisure and happiness.
Returning home alone to middle America following a reserve mobilization to a war zone brings with it an experience I never could’ve imagined nor prepared for.
I’ve struggled for the last six months to understand how I fit back into my family, my employer, my community, my church, my volunteer organizations, my kids’ schools and so forth.
Leaning heavily on a Bible verse that has become my motto for the past five months, I carry it with me 
and remind myself to be patient and don’t make any rash decisions. I’ve prayed a lot, met with a counselor and completed a lot of self-reflection.
I’ve always prided myself on my mental strength, confidence and joyful outlook on life, and well that’s part of the problem. A warrior’s pride takes a significant blow when returning from a deployment.
You might think otherwise – “Job well done Sailor!” “I can’t even imagine what it’s been like!” “We are all so appreciative for what you’ve sacrificed.”
Instead I found myself sinking into a bitterness that was unfamiliar to me. I wanted to reply, “You have no idea what sacrifices this past year cost me.”
I wavered between an unfamiliar feeling of shame for leaving my family, my husband and my children, and an anger that I didn’t have a choice in the matter and all those words of gratitude weren’t reflected in meeting the needs I had now.
When you deploy on active duty, the military is your life and you train with a group of people. You leave with a group of people. You complete a mission alongside that same group of people. And you return together – job well done – with that same group of people. Your career stays relatively the same albite a now much more improved and safer location.
I’ve spent the past 5 months patiently reflecting and thoughtfully assessing where my life goes from here. After this dormant, painful period of struggle – I am now ready to step back into ownership over my life and pick up not where I left off, but instead where I’m standing today.
